Random feelings

Random feelings



Minsan talaga ang hirap magsalita. Kung hindi mamasamain… hindi uunawain.

May mga pagkakataong pinipilit mong kumilos ng ayos lang ang lahat… walang problema pero sa kabila noon sa tuwing nag-iisa nandoon ang lungkot, sakit, at pangungulila.

Madalas na nakangiti pero... at the end of the day it was a mask that I must wear so that no one can see what I’ve been going through. All of my friends and family may see me okay but they didn’t really see my pain.

They don’t see me having a hard time, feeling so alone or afraid and there’s always pain. I guess I’m really good at hiding all of it because no one knew. For them I’m just a happy human being. Carefree. Hopeful and positive.

And because that’s what they see… they care less about my mental  and emotional health. But it’s hard to sleep at night sometimes. Thinking so many things… asking myself how valid my feelings was.

Through the years, I just learned on my own on how to get back up and be brave to face everything. When I’m feeling sad… I cry when everybody was sleeping then I will tell myself to think of happy thoughts after. When I get upset...I tell myself to look at the brighter side of what happen. When I’m afraid… I tell myself that I need to be brave not only for myself but for my family as well. 

Ang hirap lang nang walang ibang matakbuhan. Ang hirap din kapag ikaw ang palaging nakikinig…mas madalas ayaw mo nang magsabi dahil alam mong may pinagdaraanan din sila. At ang hirap kasi kahit ang dami mong nakakasama kaibigan o kapamilya… ramdam mo pa rin 'yung pag-iisa. Ramdam mo pa rin na wala kang ibang aasahan kundi sarili mo at walang ibang magpapasaya sa'yo kung  di sarili mo lang rin.

Nasanay na siguro akong harapin ang mga mental and emotional battles na mag-isa… dahil madalas na walang namang masumpungan. Isa pa, bilang kilala na maasahan… kailangan maging strong…kailangan palaging maging mabuting halimbawa…kailangan marunong umunawa. But, who's there for me when I'm down and helpless? These thoughts always linger in my mind and I hate it when it really conquer my brain at night.

Tuwing natatapos ang moment na ito sa isip ko tinatawanan ko na lang but I know I shouldn't. It is something serious, I guess, that I need to overcome. So when I'm having an emotional breakdown, I'm glad that there's always a feel-good movie to watch or a good novel to read. Most times I write and it becomes my outlet to release those things in my mind. I feel better after. 

So... ano bang pinagsasabi ko, maulan kasi… sinabayan ko lang ang ulan. Its just a random feeling that I have every time it rains. (*^_^)

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