Minsan talaga ang hirap magsalita. Kung hindi mamasamain… hindi uunawain.
May mga
pagkakataong pinipilit mong kumilos ng ayos lang ang lahat… walang problema
pero sa kabila noon sa tuwing nag-iisa nandoon ang lungkot, sakit, at
pangungulila.
Madalas na
nakangiti pero... at the end of the day it was a mask that I must wear so that no
one can see what I’ve been going through. All of my friends and family may see
me okay but they didn’t really see my pain.
They don’t
see me having a hard time, feeling so alone or afraid and there’s always pain.
I guess I’m really good at hiding all of it because no one knew. For them I’m
just a happy human being. Carefree. Hopeful and positive.
And because
that’s what they see… they care less about my mental and emotional health. But it’s hard to sleep
at night sometimes. Thinking so many things… asking myself how valid my
feelings was.
Through the
years, I just learned on my own on how to get back up and be brave to face
everything. When I’m feeling sad… I cry when everybody was sleeping then I will
tell myself to think of happy thoughts after. When I get upset...I tell myself
to look at the brighter side of what happen. When I’m afraid… I tell myself
that I need to be brave not only for myself but for my family as well.
Ang hirap lang nang walang ibang matakbuhan. Ang hirap din kapag ikaw ang palaging nakikinig…mas
madalas ayaw mo nang magsabi dahil alam mong may pinagdaraanan din sila. At ang
hirap kasi kahit ang dami mong nakakasama kaibigan o kapamilya… ramdam mo pa
rin 'yung pag-iisa. Ramdam mo pa rin na wala kang ibang aasahan kundi sarili mo
at walang ibang magpapasaya sa'yo kung di
sarili mo lang rin.
Nasanay na siguro akong harapin ang mga mental and emotional battles na mag-isa… dahil madalas
na walang namang masumpungan. Isa pa, bilang kilala na maasahan… kailangan
maging strong…kailangan palaging maging mabuting halimbawa…kailangan marunong
umunawa. But, who's there for me when I'm down and helpless? These thoughts always linger in my mind and I hate it when it really conquer my brain at night.
Tuwing natatapos ang moment na ito sa isip ko tinatawanan ko na lang but I know I shouldn't. It is something serious, I guess, that I need to overcome. So when I'm having an emotional breakdown, I'm glad that there's always a feel-good movie to watch or a good novel to read. Most times I write and it becomes my outlet to release those things in my mind. I feel better after.
So... ano bang
pinagsasabi ko, maulan kasi… sinabayan ko lang ang ulan. Its just a random
feeling that I have every time it rains. (*^_^)
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